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By Graham Hayday, 18 December 2000 10:30

COMMENT Scene 1: A stable. An infant lies in a manger, surrounded by assorted animals and some straw. His mum and dad look on in awe. Joseph (played by Tim Berners-Lee): Dearest wife, behold - we are like the geese who laid the golden egg. Our child is a child of great wonder, he is shiny, and bringeth me great joy.
Mary (played by Vint Cerf): Don't call me a goose. You're right about our kid though. But hang on - I'm a bloke too! I didn't realise single sex marriages were allowed in this day and age? And which one of us actually gave birth?
Joseph: Good points, well made. I think it's called 'artistic licence'.
Mary: Fair enough. So what shall we call our progeny, dear husband?
Joseph: How about 'dot-com'?
Mary: Like it. [Enter the three wise men, played by venture capitalists] Wise man 1: So the prophecies are true! We have traveled far and wide on our chauffeur-driven donkeys, with buttocks cosseted by comfy cushions, following a star in the constellation known as Hype, hoping to set our eyes upon the infant. And lo! He is here. Happy day! He is indeed holy. We come bearing gifts. I have with me frankincense.
Wise man 2: I don't know what that is, so I've bought myrrh.
Wise man 3: And I don't know what that is, so I've bought a fat pile of cash with me. I shall give it to the child, eschewing all the values people of my kind used to hold dear, like prudence. I shall throw out all the equations we usually use to work out the value of companies. I shall even give up hope of seeing a decent return on my investment, such is the dazzling brightness of the constellation known as Hype. Forgive us lord, for we know not what we do. Narrator: And so it came to pass that the precocious child, dot-com, was made very wealthy indeed. But dot-com failed to spend his cash wisely, confusing himself with a character in that other biblical story, the prodigal son. On many occasions he became utterly broke. For the wise men had misunderstood the prophecies: he wasn't holy. He was holey (as in 'business plan full of holes'). Several months later... Scene 2: Joseph (Berners-Lee) and Mary (Serf) sit by the fire, crying over their wayward son who had grown up very quickly indeed and developed an early taste for champagne and flying on Concorde (those were the days). Joseph (crying): Boo-dot-com!
Mary: Surely you mean boo-hoo?
Joseph: True. What went wrong?
Mary: The wise men gave him much too much, much too young, and our son was largely lacking the experience to execute on a business plan and demonstrate fiscal discipline. But all is not doom and gloom in the world of dot-com! Some of his ideas will bear fruit. Our early work on IP protocols and the mark-up language known as hyper-text will not be wasted. Look at the market he set-up just outside Nazareth for example. It flouresheth!
Joseph: Ah yes, the market known as 'B2B'. It seemingly doeth well. But then I would say that, because the playwright works for a company with a stall in the B2B market. Narrator: Despite Joseph's reservations, there was a nugget of truth in what the couple said. Some of dot-com's ideas were bound to fail, just as many of his brethren's ideas fail, even those of those not blessed with the name dot-com. The ideas which do not rely on consumers handing over cash online stand a better chance of success. For many consumers had become wary of the security of their transactions. And rightly so: companies like Powergen and Barclays had done much to damage confidence, and the under-resourced, under-funded and over-worked Data Protection Commissioner had been proven impotent when it comes to taking punitive action against companies which breach its rules. Meanwhile, in a land far, far away, King Herod was attempting to pass a rather unpopular law...