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By Graham Hayday, 19 April 2002 00:30

COMMENT If your computer suddenly starts playing Beethoven at you, don't worry: it just means that it's on the verge of a breakdown. silicon.com reader Ian Holme came across this slightly odd but very handy hint on Microsoft's TechNet site (reference number Q261186, in case you think we're making this up): "Computer Randomly Plays Classical Music "During normal operation or in Safe mode, your computer may play "Fur Elise" or "It's a Small, Small World" seemingly at random. This is an indication sent to the PC speaker from the computer's BIOS that the CPU fan is failing or has failed, or that the power supply voltages have drifted out of tolerance. This is a design feature of a detection circuit and system BIOSes developed by Award/Unicore from 1997 on... "Although these symptoms may appear to be virus-like, they are the result of an electronic hardware monitoring component of the motherboard and BIOS. You may want to have your computer checked or serviced..." So now you know. Whether your average techie would know his Beethoven from his Britney and therefore be able to search for this information on TechNet is a moot point, but I guess it's better than a boring grey dialogue box popping up to tell you something's wrong. Suggestion for Mr B Gates: Could the blue screen of death be replaced by the stately sounds of the Funeral March? You know that rather uncomfortable dream when you find yourself naked in public? AMD boss W J Sanders has just had a real-life experience that must have felt something like that. He was giving evidence in the endless anti-trust trial this week, and went into bat for Microsoft. He blustered in front of the hushed court: "Any relief that would fragment the Microsoft Windows platform& would set the computer industry back almost 20 years." Sadly, Mr Sanders hadn't done his homework. When pressed by lawyers representing the nine states which are looking to impose harsher punishments on Microsoft, the unfortunate chip magnate (which is a bit like a fridge magnet but slightly bigger) had to admit that he hadn't actually read the proposed restrictions. So he didn't really know what he was talking about. At all. Rumours that he later told the judge that Scott McNealy's dog had eaten the relevant documents could not be confirmed. Good to see the internet being blamed for marriage breakdowns this week. Counselling service Relate said that the opportunity the web provides to meet people in chat rooms and so on is threatening to rend apart more and more of our supposedly sacred matrimonial bonds. All that porn's not helping either. Apparently, one in 10 people who go to Relate claim surfing has ruined their relationship. A Relate counsellor told silicon.com: "A huge number of people have a computer. It's something that's becoming within the realms of normality. We'll see more and more of it at Relate as a cause of relationship problems." Some new Vodafone customers got a bit of a shock this week when they were sent the direct debit mandates of other new subscribers in their welcome packs (http://www.silicon.com/a52720 ). In these days of digital blunders, it is reassuring to know that this was a distinctly low-tech cock-up. Vodafone's billing company, Single Point Solutions, told us that an 'administrative error' by its third-party envelope stuffing company was to blame. We know of at least six people who received the wrong information (one of whom is sufficiently concerned that he's closing his bank account). Email editorial@silicon.com if you've had similar problems. And now to clear up some unfinished business from last week (http://www.silicon.com/a52662 )... Our click-happy news editor who somehow managed to order some goods from Amazon without knowing exactly what he'd put in his shopping basket wasn't too unhappy when his virtual lucky dip produced copies of Casablanca and It's A Wonderful Life on DVD, and the Rough Guide to Jordan (the country, not the larger-than-life, top-heavy celeb. Obviously.). And if you were interested in H'angus the Monkey (aka 28-year old call centre worker Stuart Hammond, who is the hirsute mascot of Hartlepool United football club), here's a brief history lesson (and thanks to the surprising number of people who emailed us about this.) A long time ago, during the Napoleonic wars, a French ship is supposed to have sunk off the coast of the town. The only survivor was the ship's mascot, a monkey wearing a French soldier's uniform. The locals, never having seen a monkey - or a Frenchman - before, assumed it was a spy, and hanged it. As a result, Hartlepool residents became known as Monkey Hangers. Hence H'angus. And hence this song: "The Lord Mayor of Hartlepool was walking on the shore
When he came upon a funny sight he'd never seen before
He came upon a little chap a-walking in the sand
Holding a banana in his tiny hairy hand&" That's Frenchmen for you. Have a look at http://www.monkeyhangers.com/hartlepool.html for more on the legend. And finally, a plea. IT Relief - the industry charity dedicated to fundraising for the benefit of children - is organising a trek down the Yangtze River in November this year. The charity is looking for plucky volunteers to join the trek, which gives those privileged enough to work in this exciting, dynamic and (relatively) well-paid sector and beyond the chance to give something back to society. The area in which the trek will take place is going to be flooded next year as part of a dam-building project, so this will be the last chance to see a stunning part of the world - and raise money for a good cause in the process. Get involved. Please. Let your friends know about the trek if you can't do it. Those kids need your help& http://www.itrelief.org/gorges/flash.htm Til next week...